USEFUL SURVIVAL TIPS @ THE WORKPLACE

LESSON 1

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says : " Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. " So the eager senior manager shouted : " I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff ?. and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted : " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. " Pfufffff ?. And he was also gone. The boss calmly said : " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.30 pm. "

MORAL OF THE STORY : ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST

LESSON 2

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, " Listen," said the CEO, " this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" " Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. " Excellent, excellent! " said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. " I just need one copy. "

LESSON # 2 : NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING

LESSON 3

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked " What kind of -ese are you ? " The Japanese, confused, replied : " Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean. " The American repeated : " What kind of -ese are you ? " Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled : " What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese !, etc......??? " The Japanese then replied : " Oh, I am a Japanese. " A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled : " What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?! " The Japanese said, " Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee ? "

LESSON No 3 : NEVER INSULT ANYONE

LESSON 4

There were these 4 guys --- a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who together found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said : " Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true. " The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted : " Wine ! " The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was very happy, swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn. He did the same and shouted : " Vodka ! " and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted : " Beer ! " He was likewise very contented with his beer-filled pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, " Shit !!!!!!!..... ...."

LESSON# 4 : ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN !

LESSON 5

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up.

Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.

Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.

Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.

Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.

Eyes........ . I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.

Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and s tayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever. Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE

Why British think 80% of M'sians coming to UK to study law?

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, I've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr ...

Surah Yasin

RAHSIA SURAH YASSIN AYAT KE 58

Barangsiapa yang membaca YAASIN sepenuhnya dan pada ayat ke 58 surah tersebut "SALAAMUN QAULAN MIN RABBIN RAHIM" diulang sebanyak 7 kali untuk 7 niat baikmu, Insya Allah dengan izin Yang Maha Esa dan Maha Kuasa, semua hajatmu akan dikabulkan. Jika boleh niatkan sebegini:

1) -YA ALLAH YA-RAHIM, ampunkan dosa-dosaku dan saudara-maraku
2) YA-ALLAH YA-RAHMAN, kurniakan aku isteri,suami,anak-anak yang soleh dan mencintai islam
3) YA-ALLAH YA-RAZZAK, kurniakan aku rezeki yang berkat,kerja yang baik dan berjaya didunia dan akhirat.
4) YA-ALLAH YA-JABBAR, makbulkan hajat penghantar maklumat yang aku dapat ini
5) YA-ALLAH YA-MUTAQABBIR, jauhkan aku dari sifat khianat dan munafiq dan miskin
6) YA-ALLAH YA-WADUUD, kurniakan aku dan seluruh umat Muhammad yang beriman kesihatan zahir batin
7) YA-ALLAH YA-ZALJALA LIWAL IKRAM, makbulkanlah semua hajatku, dan redhaikanlah aku.....

Surah Al Ikhlas

Surah Al-ikhlas (tau x kebaikannya?)

Sebelum masuk rumah, bacalah ayat di atas, kemudian bacalah surah Al-Ikhlas (iaitu ayat: Qulhuwallahu Ahad. Allahussamad. Lam yalid walam yu-lad. wa lam yakul lahu kufuwan ahad.) sebanyak 3 kali.

Masuklah rumah dengan kaki kanan dan dengan membaca bismillah. Berilah salam kepada anggota rumah dan sekiranya tiada orang di rumah, berilah salam kerana malaikat rumah akan menyahut.

Amalkanlah bersolat kerana salam pertama (ianya wajib) yang diucapkan pada akhir solat akan membantu kita menjawab persoalan kubur. Apabila malaikat memberi salam, seorang yang jarang bersolat akan sukar menjawab salam tersebut. Tetapi bagi mereka yang kerap bersolat, amalan daripada salam yang diucap di akhir solat akan menolongnya menjawab salam malaikat itu.

Sabda Rasulullah S.A.W yang bermaksud :
Barangsiapa membaca surah Al-Ikhlas sewaktu sakit sehingga dia meninggal dunia, maka dia tidak akan membusuk di dalam kuburnya, akan selamat dia dari kesempitan kuburnya dan para malaikat akan membawanya dengan sayap mereka melintasi titian siratul mustaqim lalu menuju ke syurga. (Demikian diterangkan dalam Tadzikaratul Qurthuby).

Rasulullah SAW pernah bertanya sebuah teka-teki kepada umatnya :
Siapakah antara kamu yang dapat khatam Qur'an dalam jangka masa dua-tigaminit?
Tiada seorang dari sahabatnya yang menjawab. Malah Saiyidina Ummar telah mengatakan bahawa ianya mustahil untuk mengatam Qur'an dalam begitu cepat.

Kemudiannya Saiyyidina Ali mengangkat tangannya. Saiyidina Ummar bersuara kepada Saiyidina Ali bahawa Saiyidina Ali (yang sedang kecil pada waktu itu) tidak tahu apa yang dikatakannya itu. Lantas Saiyidina Ali membaca surah Al-Ikhlas 3 kali.

Rasulullah SAW menjawab dengan mengatakan bahawa Saiyidina Ali betul. Membaca surah Al-Ikhlas sekali ganjarannya sama dengan membaca 10 juz kitab Al-Quran. Lalu dengan membaca surah
Al-Ikhlas sebanyak tiga kali qatamlah Quran kerana ianya sama dengan membaca 30 jus Al-Quran.

Berkata Ibnu Abbas r.a. bahawa Rasulullah SAW telah bersabda:

Ketika saya (Rasulullah SAW) israk ke langit, maka saya telah melihat Arasy di atas 360,000 sendi dan jarak jauh antara satu sendi ke satu sendi ialah 300,000 tahun perjalanan. Pada tiap-tiap sendi itu terdapat padang sahara sebanyak 12,000 dan luasnya setiap satu padang sahara itu seluas dari timur hingga ke barat. Pada setiap padang sahara itu terdapat 80,000 malaikat yang mana kesemuanya membaca surah Al-Ikhlas. Setelah mereka selesai membaca surah tersebut maka berkata mereka: Wahai Tuhan kami,sesungguhnya pahala dari bacaan kami ini kami berikan kpd orang yang membaca surah Al-Ikhlas baik ianya lelaki mahupun perempuan.

Sabda Rasulullah SAW lagi :

Demi Allah yang jiwaku ditanganNya, sesungguhnya Qul Huwallahu Ahadu itu tertulis di sayap malaikat Jibrail a.s, Allahhus Somad itu tertulis di sayap malaikat Mikail a.s, Lamyalid walam yuulad tertulis pada sayap malaikat Izrail a.s, Walam yakullahu kufuwan ahadu tertulis pada sayap malaikat Israfil a.s.

Nota :
Sabda Rasulullah SAW 'Sampaikanlah pesananku walaupun satu ayat'.

Sesungguhnya apabila matinya seseorang anak Adam itu, hanya 3 perkara yang akan dibawanya bersama :

1) Sedekah/amal jariahnya
2) Doa anak-anaknya yang soleh
3) Ilmu yg manfaat yg disampaikan

Cerita Makan

Suatu pagi ketika seorang suami hendak berangkat ke tempat kerjanya..

Suami : "Yang.. abang pergi dulu ya"
Isteri : "Abang tak sarapan dulu?"
Suami : "Tidak.. abang nak cepat nie!" lalu si-suami mencium bibir isterinya dengan mesra dan berkata...

"Inilah sarapan pagi abang"

Tengaharinya. . si-suami pulang ke rumah..
Isteri : " Ada apa abang balik kerumah tengahari ni?"
Suami : " Ada sesuatu yang tertinggal"
Isteri : "Marilah makan tengahari dulu"
Suami : "Tak pe lah.. abang nak cepat nie" lalu dengan mesranya si-suami menghampiri isterinya dan mencium "dadanya" sambil berkata...

"Inilah makan tengahari abang!"

Petangnya.. ketika si-suami pulang dari kerja dia terkejut biawak melihat sikap isterinya yang duduk tanpa "seurat benang" di atas periuk nasi yang panas membara.. lalu si-suami pun bertanya..

"Awak sedang buat apa tu?"

Si-isteri pun dengan selamba menjawab...

"Panaskan makan malam abang!"

Strange

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Manusia, Malaikat, Syaitan

Manusia - Eh, dah subuh dah?
Malaikat - bangunlah wahai anak Adam, tunaikan solat subuh...
Syaitan - Alahhhhhh, kejaplah, ngantuk ini... kejap lagi ye..

Manusia - Nak makan, laparlah
Malaikat - Wahai Anak Adam, mulakanlah dengan Bismillah...
Syaitan - Ahh, tak payahla... dah lapar ini !!

Manusia - Hari ni nak pakai apa ye?
Malaikat - Wahai anak Adam, pakailah pakaian yang menutup aurat..
Syaitan - Ehh, panaslah, lagipun tak ada style langsung!

Manusia - Alamak, dah lewat!
Malaikat - Bersegeralah wahai anak Adam, nanti terlewat untuk ke kuliah
Syaitan - Nak cepat-cepat buat apa? Lambat lagi... baru pukul 8.30am...

Manusia - Azan sudah kedengaran...
Malaikat - Wahai anak Adam, bersegeralah menunaikan kewajipan
Syaitan - Baru pukul berapa... . rilex lah..

Manusia - Eh, eh... tak boleh tengok ini, berdosa...
Malaikat - Wahai anak Adam, alihkanlah pandanganmu, sesungguhnya Allah
Maha Melihat
Syaitan - Perggghh... best tu... . rugi ooo kalau tak tengok..

Manusia - Saudaraku sedang melakukan dosa
Malaikat - Wahai anak Adam, cegahla ia..
Syaitan - Apa kau sibuk? Jangan jaga tepi kain orang. .

Manusia - Elok kalau akuu sampaikan nasihat ini kepada orang lain
Malaikat - Wahai anak Adam, nasihat-menasihatilah sesama kamu..
Syaitan - Sendiri pikirlah, semua dah besar, buat apa sesusah.

Manusia - aku telah berdosa..
Malaikat - Wahai anak Adam, kamu telah berdosa, tinggalkanlah dosa itu
dan bertaubatlah, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Pengampun..
Syaitan - Tangguhlah dulu, lain kali boleh bertaubat (kalau sempat)..

Manusia - Kalau pergi, mesti seronok!
Malaikat - Wahai anak Adam, kakimu ingin melangkah ke jalan yang
dimurkai Allah, berpalinglah dari jalan itu ..
Syaitan - Jangan bimbang, tak ada sesiapa yang tahu...

Malaikat - Wahai anak Adam, taatilah Allah dan RasulNYA, kebahagiaan di
dunia dan akhirat untukmu.
Syaitan - Hey anak Adam, ikutilah aku, kebahagiaan di dunia (sahaja) dan
kebahagiaan di akhirat (jangan mimpilah!) untukmu...